Who needs an education, when you got Jesus!!

I wrote this little piece yesterday, as a joke, to my cousin. We have been having a religious debate through email, him still believing in God and Jesus, as we were taught to believe as children, me, the dissenter. I wanted to break Christian belief down into it's constituent parts, to show him how utterly ridiculous it all sounds. The following is my attempt at that.

In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth. You look around us and you see things,and these things must have been created because everything must have a cause therefore there is a God, but wait... If everything must have a cause, where did God come from? What is the cause of God? Oh, you say, Christians get to change the rules as they go along. God doesn't have a cause, he has existed forever and ever, amen!! He has been in existence since eternity. So.... before he created the universe, what was God doing for all of that eternity? Watching re-runs of Three's Company?! Seriously, if God existed forever and ever what was he doing for all that time? Well time did not exist yet, you say, God just was and guess what, God is perfect, all knowing and all powerful, but poor ol' God got bored and decided to create some company, first some animals and then man and then since man was bored too and wanted some nookie he created woman for him, by putting Adam to sleep and taking out one of his ribs whereby he fashioned a woman out of it. Then he breathed the breath of life into her and she was alive. Sound ridiculous enough yet to you? Wait it gets better...

God put them in paradise, the Garden of Eden, and told them that they could eat of whatever fruit of whatever tree they wanted, at this time I guess they were vegetarians, but of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil they must not touch, lest they shall surely die. They were walking around all naked and shit, all happy until one day the devil... oh yea, let's back up just a bit. Before God created the universe he had created the angels to keep him company. I guess they were not very good company. The devil, who was one of the highest angels and named Lucifer, the angel of light, thought he was better than God and so he staged a rebellion along with 1/3 of the other angels, and they fought a war with God. Satan, the devil, Beelzebub, whatever you want to call him was banished from heaven.

And boy was he jealous of these humans God had created. So one day, the devil, in the disguise of a snake tempts Eve, because you know what dumb ass whores all women are, to eat the forbidden fruit telling her that God knows that the day you eat of it you won't die but your eyes will be opened and you will be like God, knowing good and evil. Shit, nigga,  that sounded good to her, so she ate and that was some good shit and she told Adam to eat it, because you know it's always the woman tempting man to do evil shit, women are so evil, and Adam too did eat. Their eyes were opened and they knew that they were naked, Apparently they did not know that before and they thought that there was now something bad about being naked, even though God put them in the garden like that, and so they fashioned fig leaves to cover their nakedness. God came a looking for them one day, even though he is omniscient, and saw they were hiding and were clothed. God was fuming mad, even though he is all knowing and must have known before hand what would happpen with his little experiment.This must mean God was just playing some kind of cruel hoax on the first couple, since he knew what they would do, in essence they had no choice in the matter. So God gets fuming mad and banishes them from the garden and makes the woman have painful childbirths from now and that's why childbirth is so painful now. Not because such a big baby has to come out of such a small hole, oh no, that's not it, it's because Adam and Even ate an apple. Oh, also God wasn't satisfied to just be mad at Adam and Eve, oh no, he was now mad at every human being who would ever live, it's called original sin, we are supposedly born in sin, no matter how good we are in life, we are still sinful because of Adam and Eve. how convenient for the church, "it doesn't matter how good you are, you still need us for salvation, niggas."

sound stupid enough yet? Wait it gets even better.

So apparently, even though God is all knowing and perfect, Satan was able to get one over on him by successfully tempting his children.

The rest of the Old Testament goes by, a bunch of crazy ass stories ensue. David slays a giant, for no other reason than that he was a giant, and well everyone knows you have to slay giants. Daniel survives being tossed into a lion's Den. Shadrach Meshach and Abednego survive being tossed into a fiery furnace and Jonah survives 3 days inside the belly of a whale. Sounds like bullshit to me. And you actually believe this shit? but wait, it gets even better.

God had a plan, see. And he had a son too, and a Holy Ghost. Holy shit!!! it is God's plan that he would send his son, since mankind had become so bad because of what Adam and Eve did, oh yea I even forgot to mention the flood, which you believe even though there is NO scientific proof that a worldwide flood ever occured. I also left out Moses leading the Israelites out of Egypt by parting the Red Sea.

Anyway, God sent his son to be born of a virgin, and to preach and heal people and shit like that, but he would make the establishment so mad they would want to kill him, they would want to kill God, not knowing he was God, not believing he was God himself. "hold up, niggas,  wait a minute, I'm God." So God/Jesus dies on a cross, and 3 days later he rises from the dead. And the key to all of salvation is now, not that you should be a good person and refrain from doing bad, no, now God no longer gives a shit if your bad or good, he's not even keeping a list or checking it twice any more, now all you have to do is to believe this cockamamie story. No matter how hard it might be for you to believe this shit, that's what you must do to be saved. If not, oh yea, did I mention hell? A pit of everlasting fire? Torture for all of eternity? but God is love, right? So many contradictions!!! Just believe, nigga. That's all you have to do. Just click your heels 3 times and say I think I can, I think I can. Just believe, that's it. That's it? but that's really hard for some of us to do, some of us have rational brains, brains supposedly given to us by God and when we use that brain we come to the conclusion that this whole story is some crazy ass twisted bullshit, but if you don't believe it, to hell with you, literally.

So the church springs up after Jesus goes back to heaven and the church's job is to torture and kill anyone who doesn't believe, so they can go to hell faster, I guess, so they can't warp other people's minds and make them do crazy shit, like actually think for themselves and shit. Hey, God kills people, sends them to hell, so of course that is the purpose of the church right? Many crusades were fought, in which millions of innocent men women and children were all murdered, all because they believed a different bullshit story. Then came the inquisition, people were starting to get minds of their own, but the church still had control over everything, and they couldn't have people thinking for themselves, the Church had gotten rich off the backs of these people, what would happen to their riches if all these people left the church? It would be chaos, something must be done and it was. the Inquisition in which new and splendid methods of torture were invented by the Church all to get people to admit that they were not believing all this crazy ass bullshit, once they admitted to it, if they were not dead yet, then they were burned at the stake. They actually burned millions and millions of innocent women at the stake, accusing them of being witches. do you believe in witches? Well the church sure did.

then the age of enlightenment comes upon the world, the age of science and people questioning dumb ass beliefs, finally the church had no sway over people and were not killing people any more for believing different bullshit stories or no story at all. People started to get educated, started reading books other than the bible, books that had been banned by the church. People were getting wise to the game, many became Atheists, others still believed in God just not in any organized religions.